Not Him Too

Today Påvel Ramel died. That makes me sad but in a weird way makes me smile. Because he was one of the really good guys. He was a true entertainer. He always laughed, always had fun and made some classic songs and even started an award foundation for people with elite language skills (an award I obviously won't ever win). He was fun. He will be missed. I've never been able to order at a japanese restaurant without laughing because of him.

Back In Action

Ok, I'm back to sweden and one of the first things I'm doing is trying to transfer this site to a new server. Here's hoping that goes as well as I planned.

We had a blast in London! Walked around half the town, went out to Biggin Hill for the airshow, did even more walking and enjoyed some pub food and some texas food and alot of beer. All in all a kick ass weekend! Will write a day-by-day entry later when I have more time.

All I Ever Wanted, All I Ever Needed

Speaking of song lyrics I just heard one that totally describes my relationship to that girl - Depeche Modes 'Enjoy the silence'. All I ever wanted all I ever needed is here in my arms. Words are very unecessary, they can only do harm. As long as we were just lying in her soffa holding each other it was heaven and I wanted to stop time. Then we started talking and it screwed it all up. Anyway I'm off to london now, I'm in the car to the airport and writing this on my blackberry. Hi-tech for the win! Will update when I get back. And by then I'm 32! Have fun.

I Wen't To The Doctor And Guess What He Told Me

Kinda funny to use song lyrics as titles to my updates, makes them seem less negative. Anyway, I did actually go to a specialist in the field of allergies and eczema. He took one look at me, made his diagnosis and gave me prescription for all kinds of stuff like penecillin and anti-biotics and creams and said "take this stuff for 10 days and you'll feel right as rain". "But shouldn't we try to figure out and diagnose what I'm allergic to rather than kill the symptoms?"... "nope, this is genetic, nothing we can do yet, we'll kill it now and it'll stay dead for a long time and get back to me when it's bothering you again". So that's what I'm gonna start with this on monday since it's a bad idea to take all this stuff when I'm in england. Did I not mention I'm going to england this weekend?... I am.
Another thing I plan to do this summer is trying to reach 95 kilos which I haven't been down to for well over a decade. It's alot easier to squeze in the time to do that in the summer since we work an hour less here. But mind you, I have no idea how much I'm wieghing now but I'd guess 110 again.

Boring ...

So what's going on in your life? Not much happening here. As a matter of fact I had one of the most laid back weekends ever! Had a bit of a party at a neighbors apartment on saturday and tried to enjoy the F1 race at the sportsbar but that was so hard since the race was oh so boring and uneventful.

And I think I'm over that crushing blow from last weekend. And the reason I think I took it so hard was partially the way she did it but mostly because I'm 32 in a few days and still hopelessly single. And the one person I thought "this could really work!" threw me out. So let's all stand together and sing "things can only get better!"

Hell No, Tell Me I Didn't Do That!

Yesterday we had one of those "customer events" that I'm pretty used to from working as a consultant, but the past few times I've been there as a customer which is always much nicer. This time we were treated to Casino Cosmopol. We got a presentation of the company, some poker lessons (as if I needed 'em) and a posh 3 course meal (meaning I was still hungry afterwards) and then to the blackjack table and alooooot of beer and stuff. They were buying so I didn't really notice just how much I did drink After going up 2000 and losing it again I thought I'd just call it even and go home. So there I am on the train home at 1 am with quite alot of alcohol in me and what is the absolutely worst idea at that point?... yeap, you guessed it, took up the cell and sent off a few messages. Not so bad most of them except that I had to send one to her as well! I'm such a dumb ass sometimes!! I checked the message this morning and it was a pretty good one, honest and to the point. Unfortunately, since she obviously don't feel for me what I do for her when she read it she probably just thought "looooooser, I gotta change my number!". So now the question do I send a retraction and joke about it or just ignore it... Oh man do I suck...
(Update: She had the humor to laugh at it :))

Vices

Today I'm gonna indulge in another vice - gambling. Got a VIP invitation to Casino Cosmopol tonight and it just might be what I need to get in a bit better mood than I am. Or it may just make it worse, who knows, I'll just go with the "take a chance" motto and see what happens. Can't get worse then last time...

It Could Be Worse

Yesterday night at about 20:37 I hit rock bottom when I got into this whole "I'm gonna die alone" bullshit, how sad is that! And that doesn't have much to do with this girl it was just a general depressing observation I made. The deep part is that that observation didn't use to be depressing.... But after getting that depressed I woke up today and just said "cheer up Brian, things could be alot worse you know!". And as if that's not enough I got these calming words from my own personal italian guru - "be yourself and enjoy what lifes brings you, your a special person sooner or later somethin good will happen, but it will always be unexpected, stop looking for it". Love you Dago - in a strictly heterosexual way.

Getting Over It

Ok, I know I defnitely took that more serious than I should. After all, in her mind we were probably only "fooling around" again even though I made it clear I was after a bit more, if only just a bit - not like I was gonna ask her to move in with me or change her life. It was just a very unique feeling for me to be so close to a woman and feeling completely comfortable. Not nervous of doing or saying the wrong thing, not looking for a way out, just completely comfortable. It doesn't happen that often and I wanted to hang on to it (yeap, singing "Somewhere I Belong" with Linkin Park). But if she feels half as much for me as I do for her I wouldn't be writing here.

So let's start work on getting over that... anyone have a five step plan for that btw?

What Do You Want?

I had a small ICQ chat with her yesterday and what it all boils down to is the evil question of "what do you want?". 'Cause what I want is blatantly obvious and as usual it's up to the female to set the limits of how far to go which is why I had to ask it. I dunno if I'm just too old for the "love me/love me not" games. Anyway, she couldn't come up with good answers so I just laid it out for her, she has my number, call me when she's figured it out. Which I'm pretty sure means I'll never hear from her regarding this ever. Which leaves me wondering what'll happen next time we meet at a party? Knowing me I'll probably exercise the better part of valor and leave cause I don't wanna feel like I did yesterday ever again.

What do I want?... I wanna quote Max Payne (the videogame): "The things that I want by Max Payne. A smoke. A whisky. For the sun to shine. My wife and baby girl back. Unlimited ammo and a license to kill. Right then, more than anything, I wanted her."

Now let's start thinking about the opposite of that question - "who are you"...
(I think you're gonna have to see "Babylon 5" to know what I'm talking about)

What Happened? I Don't Really Know

So almost 6 months after we first met and had our 3 week thing, we finally met up at a party again. Last time we saw each other I was in a bad phase and didn't really make an effort or anything and we both agreed it wasn't working and split with a hug. And since then I've been very curious what would happened when we met again at some party since it was bound to happen and yesterday was that day. There was housewarming party and I showed up with pretty clear intention of trying to get that thing between us going. Abd within the hour it was warming up and by midnight it was all good and looked like mission accomplished. But she was still sending me mixed messages and by 2 I don't think even she knew what she wanted so I pushed it by saying "I'm going home". And after a bit of fuss in the hallway where we both realised this was getting way complicated she threw me out. Not in a kind, gentle "please leave", but "get out!". After wandering around lost in thought I found a cab, went home and was completely devastated by this. Totally!

I've been going through it all in my head what I said, should've said and shouldn't have said and I honestly don't know what happened. How could we go from sweet cuddling to her throwing me out? The only reason she stated which was that I'm too nice of a guy for her and she'd end up hurting me was BS since that's exactly what she did. I don't think I've ever been hurt as bad as I was by this. Not even when that chick at work wrote that pissed of mail did I get _this_ hurt. Now I have no idea what to do next, try to call her again and see if she knows what she wants yet or what tha hell is going on. 'cause there's no doubt what I want, even after getting this burnt.

And today I was a complete wreck as well. It was suppose to be a happy day and celebrate my fathers birthday but I really put a damper on that mood.

I'm Going Into Celebacy

Women are evil. It feels like an atom bomb went off inside me. I feel like shit. It's not worth it.

I'm going into celibacy and I can't even be bothered to spell it correctly.

Women Are Evil

The other day I was out with some friends and came home late in the afternoon and had just logged onto WoW when I get a message from "that chick I was dating back in December" asking me to "stop playing computer games and come out and join her, her best friend and a WoW buddy and see the sun!". Still incapable of saying no to women I reluctantly agreed and we went to a place to drive some go cart. Not my idea since the last time I drove one of those I had a bit of an accident. And when I get there... there's no sun and there's no "that chick I used to date back in December". She had other plans and just simply tricked me into getting outside. How very typical female of her...

Unfortunately for her we had a blast and it really was her loss :)

Right Back At me

And after yesterday's little update I turned on the TV and saw a debate program and a documentary that showed that not even the scientists are in agreement over this whole greenhouse effect and as a matter of fact it's totally wrong and most of them seemed to blame our beloved sun for the increased temperature. And sure it makes more sense to blame a gigantic fireball for things getting warmer rather than gasses that makes up barely a percent of out atmosphere.

But it really doesn't take a scientist to know that millions of smoker lighting up 10 times a day is bound to result in a lot of heat, not to mentions thousands of jumbo jets flying thousands of miles. It may not be the carbon dioxide but I'm still fairly convinced it's our own doing. 'Cause blaming the sun sounds like giving up all hope and rolling over and play dead.

But enough negative talk - it's Friday, it's pay-day weekend, the weather kicks ass, we got the ice-hockey championship starting this week and I still have lots of movies and albums to listen to with my new set of speakers!

It's Summer. In April?

This may be getting old but I can't help but to be amazed at how fast this has gone! I mean in the past decades everyone has become aware that we're slowly killing this planet, but just in the past few years it's become pretty obvious to anyone how bad it is and now it's really bad! I invite every person saying this talk about greenhouse-effect is overhyped to come to stockholm now! Sweden is joked to have polar bears on the streets and here we are in april and it's summer! The sun is shining, it's 20 degrees and everyone is enjoying an afterwork beer out in the sun. This is so f*cked up. And it may be one reason why my allergies is back so damn hard after 15 years. And it's a good argument not to have kids today - would you want your kids to inherit what we screwed up ? :)

Or to quote Stanley in "The Rock" - "I mean it, honey, the world is being Fed-exed to hell in a hand cart. I really believe anyone even thinking of bringing a child into the world is coldly considering an act of cruelty."

Small Little Update

I've been intending to make an update here but every time something else has come in between. But here I am... so what to type? My newly re-discovered allergies really don't wanna go away! I can use all the tablets and cortisone-cream that the doctors can throw at me it just won't go away. But I'm still hopeful in the "it'll blow over"-kinda way. As a result of all this I felt a bit down and tried a bit of retail therapy and bought myself a new set of speakers. So now my little corner of the universe sounds a little bit better!! Other than that ... same old same old...

All Good Things Really Do Come To An End

Got a bad reminder that all good things really do come to an end yesterday. I've been a Moby fan for years and when I saw there was a new DVD out with one of his concerts from his latest tour ("Hotel") I bought it and yesterday I had a chance to see it. It was... good. Which is rather disappointing. Usually his live shows had alot of energy and the spirit of "people jumping up and down and dancing till 5 am" (quote from the man himself during his "Glastonbury" performance). This one didn't. I don't know if it was the audience or that it was a smaller arena that did it. But it probably was that he'd changed pretty much the entire band, only one from the "good old 'Play'-days" was the drummer, Scotty. No "G-Strings" (the girls playing violins and stuff), no "RJ The DJ", no Paulo running around thumping his drums, no Greta on bass or Diane doing vocals. It wasn't as good as it used to be at all.

But what tha hell - it's friday, it's the first day of summer (according to me) and it's "Star Trek" and Formula 1 weekend! As the song goes - "things are going great and they're only getting better".

Horoscopes

Do you put much faith in horoscopes or anything describing you as a person through zodiacs? I haven't. From a statistical point of view, if you throw in enough crap there something is bound to be accurate and it's just been silly all along. But the other day as I was cleaning up a bit I came across one of these that was frighteningly accurate. Not only one or two things right, but everything in that very long text got it absolutely 100% dead on! And it really made my day. Unfortunately I can't really get into details because the source reference was a "Gemini"-sheet from the Museum of Erotica in Copenhagen that I picked up a few years ago, so that would be way too much information.

Rammstein

You know one of the best things about me is my open mindedness, my way of not pre-judging anything and if I do not being a stubborn asshole refusing to admit I was wrong. I've never been a big fan of metal. I go as far as Metallica and Nightwish but that's it. Well the other week I was out having more than a few beers with a few friends and ended up at Anchor, which is a bar mostly for head bangers. Which I'm certainly not. But on their TV screens they were playing the DVD of some Rammstein concert and it was a mighty impressive show. Didn't hear that much since we were there to be social, not to listen to Rammstein. But being the open-minded person I am I ordered the DVD and yesterday I decided to annoy my neighbours by putting it on. And man do those guys rock! Say what you will about the music (and since I can't understand the lyrics I can't say much about that) but the show was totally kick-ass! And the fact it was mixed in DTS made it sound that much better. Favorite number would be "Los" when they start off with an acoustic guitar and slowly build up to the balls-out climax.

This Is Not A Joke

Yesterday I went home to one of my best friends to do... absolutely nothing! Just hanging out, playing some x-box, talking through some more or less unimportant stuff... Anyway, at like 1am I thought I'd better get my ass home since it's a long drive and so off I went. It had gotten pretty chilly over the night and I was going a bit too fast through a twisty part of E18, but it's got 2 lanes and no traffic so no problem criss-crossing between the lanes. That was until there was an aqueduct, a pretty good left blind turn and all of a sudden one lane was closed for construction and at that point I lost the grip at about 90 kph thanks to the chilly road. But you know what? Thanks to me being a complete slacking computer geek I made it with two inches to spare! Me being a slacker = me still driving with winter tires. Me being a computer geek = I've mastered the art of drifting thanks to Need for Speed. Ok, the obligatory skid testing to get a license in Sweden might have helped too. So after sliding through all of that and very nearly going off the road I calmly drove the rest of the way home to contemplate my brush with death and said "missed me!".